Glitter Wars
by leyvaland
Summary: If no one thinks this is funny I promise to kill myself.


**Glitter Wars Prequel Trilogy**

**Episode 1: Prelude to My Dick**

**by Nick 'Ice' Leyva**

_A cloaked man slowly farted, enjoying the rhythmic undulations of his ass as he evacuated himself._

Princess Leyva slipped into the cantina, a seedy meeting place in the Taris lower city. A few thousand years ago the surface of Taris had been bombed into oblivion by a rogue starship, and reconstruction of the planet had taken several hundred years. It was thought that this would even the class levels on Taris once and for all, but the rich had intervened, as they so often do, and rebuilt the planet to a lesser extent of what it had been before: a heavily divided class system. Here, below the surface of the planet, is where the lower class: the scum, the thieves, the blacks, lived and thrived. Not hedonistic, but certainly devoid of normal social values. "An eye for an eye," was the commonly accepted life philosophy here.

As to why her contact had decided to meet here was not of Princess Leyva's knowledge, but this was a covert operation, perhaps he had chosen it for its discreetness…

A shattering scream came from across the bar, followed by a blaster shot and the thumping of a body on the floor. Jen'drak Uula was dead; her once agile body lying sprawled across the floor. Some patrons laughed and continued among their business.

This was not the sort of place Princess Leyva was used to, or wanted to be. Her flowing brown hair came down to around her ankles; there was no way she didn't stand out. She hadn't thought to wear clothes that day, so she was simply draped in her hair. Her almond shaped eyes scanned the room, looking for…

She thought she saw him. He was sitting on a bench, in the corner, reading from a book. She looked at her watch: 5:30, just as they had agreed. She took a few steps toward him, and paused…

She had previously only seen pictures of him. In them his body was clearly robotic, samurai-like plating sparsely covering the parts that allowed him to work. He had a mechanical beige color to him in the pictures, his face elongated and in the shape of a skull, matching his similarly boney fingers. But here, in this cantina, was a man…

A very strange looking man, surely, but a man nonetheless. Although this person was clearly humanoid, the similarity in shape was unmistakable. She took a few steps closer, until she was standing just to his left.

"Cough, cough," the Princess said plainly, trying to catch his attention. The man did not look up. Leyva hesitated for a moment, thinking she had the wrong person. "Cough, cough cough…" Nothing. No response from the man. Princess Leyva took a step back and looked around… Surely she would have noticed a large mechanical being if he was here…? Suddenly paranoia struck her, as she realized that this could easily be a trap: a seedy underground cantina where murder was the norm, a powerful stateswoman. How could she have been so foolish! She panicked, and grabbed a solid metal plate and smashed the man in the face with it. He didn't move. But rather, calmly turned the page and continued reading that fucking book.

…

…

Princess Leyva turned away and stood in confusion, her hair resting gently against her chest. No one was coming after her, in fact, this dude wouldn't even respond to her!! She had hit him in the face with a metal plate!!

Confused, she wondered what to do next.

"Oh, a-are you Princess Leyva?" The quiet voice came from behind her. She turned back, and saw that the man had put down the book and was looking up at her. His chinky features immediately scared away all of the cats. "Hi, I-I'm Jensaral." He put his arm out, extending his hand to Princess Leyva. "You must take a seat! We have to talk." Princess Leyva quickly took a seat and flipped her hair back behind her, revealing her primly toned body. Because she works out like everyday now and has a personal trainer take that boys who don't want to have sex with me.

Jensaral put his book into a bag he had brought with him. "The Genoharadan problem is steadily worsening," he started, "They've become overrun with power."

"What do you need from me?" the Princess bluffed. She had no idea what the 'Genoharadan' was.

"We need help from the guild," Jensaral said, then paused as his face contorted and he farted loudly for what must have been _at least_ 7 seconds. He continued, "With your help we can snuff out the Genoharadan once and for all."

Princess Leyva sat in shock. "Did you just… fart?" she said, finally.

"Did I just what?" Jensaral said.

"Uh…" said Princess Leyva.

"Listen," Jensaral's voice had been consistently soft and quiet, "who is your favorite acting theorist…?"

The Princess was confused, again. Had he just asked…? It was difficult to make out his voice at the volume he was speaking at.

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because it's vital to the mission's success!" Jensaral said.

"Uh, ok, well, my favorite acting theorist is…"

Jensaral drew himself back in his chair.

"Wait, what? Acting theorist?! What are you talking about?!"

Princess Leyva stuttered,

"You just asked me who my favorite acting theorist is…"

"Listen," Jensaral said, "are you a virgin?"

"WHAT?!"

Jensaral suddenly tensed, and again released another long fart.

"I have double vision," he said.

"Uh…"

"Ronald Reagan," Jensaral suddenly giggled.

"Guh-what?!"

Jensaral suddenly stopped laughing,

"I love black jokes."

"Huggada huggada…"

Jensaral said accusingly

"Is that your milk to drink?!!"

"I…"

Jensaral adopted a sympathetic pose,

"He tried to kiss me in the park."

Suddenly a man walked up to the Jensaral and slipped his dick down Jensaral's throat. Jensaral sucked like a black man sucking the life out of the economy. The Princess made a face and said, "You are clearly sucking some dude off!" The Jensaral stopped suckling a few seconds later and rotated his head to look at her. He looked her straight in the eyes and said, "This year we are doing a production of the Mikado."

"Fuck…" said Princess Leyva, giving up.

Jensaral got very excited and screamed,

"IF YOU DON'T MIND ME ASKING, HOW WAS YOUR FIRST TIME?!"

The entire cantina stopped. Everyone slowly rotated in unison to look at the man who had screamed. Jensaral seemed unfazed by it. He remained staring at the Princess, as if waiting for an answer. The room waited.

"Uh…" said Princess Leyva.

"That's the dream of many homeless people,"

Jensaral said sadly,

"I'm still upset you didn't let me take you out for dinner."

The Princess had had enough. She reached for her blaster, which she kept holstered… on… her… head?, and shot Jensaral in the face. A large chunk of his nose and mouth flew off. He sat simply still and did not react. She blasted again, and again, until all the skin on his face had been blasted clean off. Now she knew the truth…

Jensaral started jerking suddenly, his cold steel mechanical limbs tore through the flesh that had been his exoskeleton. The rubber suit burst and lied on the floor like your mother after I fuck her all night. Only the rubber suit doesn't leak baby juice out of its womb, that's the difference. He towered up, taking on an agile posture as he whipped out his signature four lightsabers. Here he was: **Jensaral Grievous.**

How had Princess Leyva not notice that the dude named 'Jensaral' was actually well known intergalactic supervillain Jensaral Grievous?! Holy fuck, she had even seen a picture of the guy!! Is she blind or what!? Haha, oh well…

"Fine! You have discovered me! It is in fact I, well known intergalactic supervillain Jensaral Grievous! My plan was simple: lure you here to this public place, and then ask you indecent questions with no actual intention of giving you a handjob, er, I mean… giving you the mission job. Yeah, uh…"

Princess Leyva had had enough. She drew out her lightsaber and…!

Calmly turned and walked out of the cantina.

…what? You weren't expecting a fight, were you?


End file.
